Some time ago, I awoke on Thursday morning at 3 A.M., afflicted by a mild bout of insomnia. With nothing better to do, I decided to grab myself a late-night-snack and park in front of the TV. At first I was quite dismayed at what I saw: the only shows that seemed to be on were infomercials and re-runs of Oprah. So, picking the lesser of the two evils, I started watching some delightfully witty banter about the George Foreman Grill.

I ended up watching TV for hours, enjoying the crazy antics of a grill without gas, and several different brands of vacuums, each capable of lifting bowling balls. But though I found myself quite amused, there was one problem with these infomercials: none of the stuff they were selling is of any use to me.

So, for the benefit of students all around Toronto, I’ve decided to come up with a list of products that students could actually be brainwashed into buying.

Here it goes.

iBinder
Are you one of those people who always complains you can’t do homework without music? Well, fear no more because the iBinder is here. Now you, too, can sacrifice your individuality and $2000 for a binder that holds not only your school notes, but also 400 gigabytes of songs. But wait, there’s more! With the optional OCR scanner, you can now digitize your entire year’s notes and have them subliminally played back to you masked by your favourite songs. Gone are the days of traditional studying. With the help of this somewhat expensive binder, studying is as easy as manoeuvring a scroll wheel.

WiFi-Sunglasses
Just imagine the potential: you’re sitting in your Math class, writing a really difficult test. You have no idea what any of the answers are, so suddenly you decide to whip on your pair of WiFi-Sunglasses. Suddenly you’re inputting calculations to your buddy outside the class through a simple system of winks and ear twitching. Or what about a History test? With only the slightest eye movements you could be scanning Google, looking for all that information you didn’t study! Sure they might not be the most stylish accessories, with the clunky onboard CPU hanging over your ears, but it’s not like you have to wear them outside of class.

Wedgie-Proof Underwear
This gadget’s name sums it up pretty well. Wedgie-proof underwear is the invention that nerds have been craving for decades. Through an almost unbreakable network of tethers, pullies, and weights, wedgie-proof underwear is able to withstand even the harshest of tugs. You could get your butt lifted by a tow-truck and still have clean drawers the next morning. Sure it may restrict your movement just a little, having a suspension bridge in your pants, but it’s likely that anyone wedgied enough to want to purchase this product is not an especially athletic specimen.

The Taser-Shock Combination Lock
The Taser-Shock Combination Lock, also known as the TS, is the ultimate device in locker security. In addition to the standard combination lock capabilities the TS comes with a battery generator that must be placed in the client locker, and a remote to activate its high-voltage defence system. Upon activation, any unauthorized user coming into contact with the TS will be zapped with the maximum legal voltage. Even if someone manages to rob your locker, he’ll be easy to identify from the large scorch marks on his hands. Just remember to use your remote before you grab your textbooks.

The Shakespeare-to-1337speak Interpreter
Do you struggle to understand the Shakespeare and other olde fashioned verse in your English class? Well strain your brain no longer, as there is now a device to help deal with all thine issues.

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

A line like this, which previously left you confused and befuddled, is now a piece of cake with the help of this amazing device.

0 401\/130, 401\/130! \/\/1-134F043 /\47 71-10U 401\/130?
Voila! That’s much easier to understand!

There you have it. It’s obvious these inventions could greatly improve quality-of-life for all students. Keep your eyes open for late-night infomercials about 'The Trained Homework-Eating-Dog' or 'The Parental Signature Insignia Ring.' But unfortunately, until any of these are created it looks like I’ll be spending many more late nights bowling with my new vacuum.